Day Two: Talking Tactics

One great thing about having an eternity of time on your hands is really embracing those opportunities for self-improvement that you maybe never thought you’d care about. We’re talking domesticity, folks. Cooking, cleaning, organizing, laundering, showering – how will you ever score that sugar daddy (goal for next week, for rreeaaaalllls) if you can’t even roast a whole pig while simultaneously bleaching your whites and creating the perfect table-scape for that last minute dinner party you just agreed to? You won’t, that’s the answer here.

That said, start slow – no need to overdo it with this much time to fill. Today we’ve got jam on the brain, even more so than usual.

Step 1: Put some laundry in the wash. The key to being a prize-winning trophy mistress is multi-tasking (or so I hear, from my reputable sources).

Step 2: Pour a glass of wine. Not because you deserve it, but because day-drinking is now your forte, and you need practice.

Step 2: Strawberries: mash them.

(Note: buy a masher. A whisk will not do what you want it to, and then you’ll just get grumpy and quit and end up with lumpy jam – albeit not the worst plague of mankind)

Step 4: Add sugar and pectin mix. Pour into jars.

Step 5: Buy a bread product. I didn’t do this, so now I just have “lookin’ jam” and not “eatin’ jam”, the enjoyment of which is highly limited.

Step 6: Bask. Crucial step here! You just made one thing out of another thing, high-five yourself if you have to.

Step 7: Find something to do with the other 15 or so hours you’re awake.

Step 7.5: Watch this

How to excel at funemployment

1. Find out who’s around. The short answer is no one, your friends have jobs. If you’re super lucky, you’ll have a roommate who only works part-time and maybe, just maybe, is entertaining a friend from out of town and who also very much wants to go the National Arboretum and lets you third-wheel it.

2. Ride the back of the tandem. This is a low-responsibility position, much like your current state in life, and you’ll have fun making up metaphors.

3. Arboretum, duh.

4. Koi pond! Touch the fish – it’s easier than expected, slippery and wildly satisfying.

5. Popsicles. This will immediately improve the mood of the group by a million, and you’ll talk strangely for a bit while your mouth is numb.

6. (Above) Only seek out the softest leaves for touching. If you can, find the one that feels like a lamb’s ear, and continue to repeat how much it feels like a baby animal.

7. WTF is this?

8. CRUCIAL: get a diner lunch. You’re lacking an income, so be sure to pick a place with terrible service so that when it takes an hour for your delicious sandwich to arrive, they offer to only charge you for your drinks (oh yea, get a beer – you’ve had a hard day, you deserve it). Save money, bask in your fiscal maturity.

9. Order the BLT – it’s your favorite, duh. Also ask the server to bring you a variety of dipping sauces. Maybe even request that one of them be honey mustard, but don’t be surprised when he comes back with: blue cheese, Thousand Island, A1, and cocktail sauce. (Spoiler: only one of these is delicious with french fries, and none of them with onion rings. Stick with ketchup)

10. Nap

11. Lastly, watch Manhattan. It’ll change the way you feel about Woody Allen movies and you’ll feel like you learned something – terribly important for morale. (The next day watch Hannah and Her Sisters, per suggestion, but try not to compare yourself to Holly – it’ll only bring you down).